Tickets this way for the Chatsworth Express!
Come and watch pikeys making a mess
of the lives they were given by 'im upstairs...
And kids they're convinced aren't actually theirs.
Wicked!
Piss off!
What sounds on Earth could ever replace
kids needing money or wives in your face?
Cos this, people reckon - me included -
is why pubs and drugs
were kindly invented...
To calm us all down and stop us going mental.
These are Chatsworth Estate's basic essentials.
We are worth every penny for grinding your axes...
You sit on our head,
but... you pay the taxes.
CHEERING
Imagine Britain without Chatsworth buccaneers
who'd come on your face for the price of a beer, eh?
Eh!
Make poverty history. Cheaper drugs now!
Make poverty history! Cheaper drugs now!
CHUCKLES
Scatter! Party!
(Monica) 'Whore, cow,
'bitch, slag,
'tart, lezzer, dyke...
'I've been called all sorts in my time.
'Sometimes by people who say they love me in the next breath.
'There's no word for the worst thing I've done. No single word.
'No insult.
'I don't suppose there's any way I can make up for it.
'I'll keep trying, though.'
PEACOCK CRY
'AII I need to do now
'is to admit me faults and say what I am.
'What I really am.
'My name is Monica Gallagher
'and I'm...
'I'm trying.'
Told me mum I couldn't live with the stench of me dad's feet.
Had to believe that.
Why don't you move back? There's loads more space.
Everybody...
There's different types of space.
I've got a little announcement to make.
Mothers smother.
I am gonna have another little baba.
(AIl) Yeah!
Well, we've been trying all this time, ever since I come back.
You could've fucking told me.
Take it with you when you bugger off, cos I'm not looking after it.
- Where's it gonna go? - (Liam) Not in ours.
- We'll have to hope it's a girl, then. - No chance, I'm not sharing!
Congratulations.
When's it due?
Doctor'll tell us that, when I get it confirmed.
You've taken a test?
I don't need to. I've had me visions - nursery rhymes, birds, eggs.
No, I am most definitely with child.
Best nosh, a night in the finest hotel,
baked in luxury,
a 40th birthday to go down in history.
- Wish you'd let us join in. - Yeah. It's not fair.
You can get us a pressie.
Aye, a big'un.
We should have a fucking big bash or summat. Hardcore.
My Paddy's planned this,
which means it's perfect.
CHUCKLES
You toddling off into town?
Dunno if I can be bothered.
OK, maysy-wellsy.
Choose a frock.
Ooh!
D'you want a lift in the limo?
I'll get the bus.
"Why don't we have a bash?" Trying to give the game away, spunk-bubble?
No, I was throwing her off t'scent. It's classic tactics.
Never, ever attempt to act on initiative.
When every fucker shouts "Surprise!" I want her heart to stop.
I want her skin in a pile on the floor
and a Mimi-shaped hole in the ceiling.
Great woe will descend upon anybody who blows this.
Comprendo? Dicko?
Gonna hang this up in your bedroom after the party?
Oi. My mum.
(Karen) I'm beginning to think I should've said no.
It's easy. As long as we don't run out of beer, they'll be happy.
It's not what your dad thinks. He's been sweating on this for months.
Months.
He's got people coming from all over.
Australia!
We've had loads of dos.
Not while my application is being looked at.
Brewery can chuck us out any time now.
All-night punch-up is the last thing I need.
What's this?
This Is Your Life - entertainment.
Slideshows, karaoke, glitter balls, ceilidh music.
All Mimi's faves. There's so much I need to do!
Relax.
I'm holding you personally responsible for everything.
There's stuff I need to get.
A pint and a bucket of ice for my great big bollocks.
Two weeks for an appointment?
Yeah, wouldn't let me wait.
Doctor is very busy.
So I shopped.
You've had these lame-brained visions before. You weren't stuffed up then.
Yeah, but not like this.
So, you're not even sure?
Shouldn't you be at school?
The thought of you and my dad doing it has made me ill.
You should take a test, Mon.
This little bub is gonna make up for any mistakes I've made.
One for me.
Oh, thanks. What if it's phantom?
Oh, go on, then, I'll take a test.
Lend us one of yours.
I haven't got any.
What kind of teenager are you?
I'll go next door. Mimi's got loads.
Infertile Frank the Fecund.
Dead-eyed Dick Gallagher.
That's me. Hey, Bunty! No waste.
I'm like those cowboys in a white hat.
Cowboys in black hats come crashing through the windows,
spray lead all over the fucking shop.
Miss every bastard.
I kick the saloon door open.
Hello, boys!
You have a little nod round.
Bide me time...
WESTERN MUSIC
Draw!
GUNSHOT
Dusted over. Or up the duff in this case.
How long's mum been back?
Oh, forever.
Not that spunky, then, are you, Dead-eye?
She'd be onto a second litter by now.
Just stick it on the slate...
Spotty herbert!
A pig.
Spit roast for me mum's rave.
Not in the footballer sense.
Do we leave it there?
How the fuck should I know?
I'll make some room in the cellar.
- Gotta take a date to me mam's party. - I'm working.
A girl! Smartarse!
If we don't find one, we've gotta take Nana Murphy.
Kisses for Nana.
Just drag along some fag-hag.
Or Norma.
No. I'm gonna do it for real.
Get a cure.
For what?
Gay.
Found one on the internet. Fucking insane American Christians,
but they know a thing or two about not wanking over blokes.
What do you do?
You train your mind to stop thinking about sex and cocks and that.
Yeah, it's mind over...
Can you feel this?
Do you want this?
- Even that doesn't bother me. - Tit.
I'll take the arse.
Is it cold enough in here?
It'll have to be. Freezer's full.
Bollocks.
Oi!
- Oi, we're locked in! Help! - What you doing? No!
(Jamie) Come on! Let us out.
CHEERING
- Shit! - Quick!
Don't hog it.
They'll drink it all. Hurry up.
You're Schtan. Told you I was clever.
Good.
We both lied the same amount.
You have no hair and you are overweight.
I am short and sent the best photograph ever taken.
Dobra pozhalovat v angly.
Thank you.
But that's Russian, I'm Ukrainian.
Hello, Irana.
Hello, Schtan.
Dick! Dick! Dick!
They'd've noticed soon enough anyway.
(Jamie) Karen?
Y'all right?
I tried to stop 'em. >
The party stuff.
Mimi's things, the book. Paddy is gonna explode.
BANG!
I am Spartacus!
Why won't you let us in?
(Monica) I can't have you around when my knickers are down.
I know what you're like. All done.
It's not...
It's...
What's wrong?
Five, six, piss on sticks.
No line, no baby. You're not pregnant. Result!
I'm not...
I don't understand...
- Menopause. - She's too young.
Hormones all over the fucking house.
That's why you're getting your visions.
Oh, no.
Hot flushes, depression, insomnia, irritability,
night sweats, vaginal dryness.
Please!?
It's part of being a woman. Comes to us all.
- It's come to her first, mind. - No more babies.
No more babies for Monica.
I'm not pleased. You said you were coming back for the ones you left.
- Not to pop another. - I say a lot of things. They hate me.
Oh, man, they don't.
If I left now, this minute, take 'em two days to notice.
They'd shrug and then they'd carry on.
Like they expect it.
If they expect anything.
I'm just temporary.
- A visitor, an unwelcome one. - You're their mam.
I like being full of baby.
And I'm good with them, too, when they come out.
When they're little and helpless.
And then they grow up and I fuck it up.
You had to leave.
You were ill.
Yeah.
Hey, there'd have been no me and you if you hadn't.
I'm never gonna get it right now.
You didn't get it wrong.
You were depressed.
Desperate.
Mmm. And I never thought I'd feel like that again.
Sorry. Bad news.
What?
We've had a robbery and can't do your party.
What party?
Would that be a surprise party?
I'm sorry. I didn't know!
No, neither did I, but I do now.
Paddy's gonna rip your lungs out.
You've really crossed the line this time, shithead!
Fuck!
- Didn't me dad tell you? - Obviously not.
Sorry. Again.
- It's a good job she already knew, then. - What?
He chucks one every year.
It's not a surprise if you know.
Paddy doesn't know I know.
That means it's a surprise.
And if my Paddy wants me to have a party, I'm having one.
Who's ruined t'surprise?
Bet fucking Lynch there.
She already knew.
Hey, it's not the point. None of us told her.
It's done now. Karen's an idiot, but she can't help that.
Drop what you're doing.
We know who took it. Twats that drink in here.
Threaten them. Hurt them.
Bring everything back here. Not a word to your dad.
Party's on.
Any more dropped turds, Paddy'll know you told me.
One fucking warning!
Maguires want every piece of fucking shite from the Jockey back!
Everything! You give it up now or you fucking die!
Yeah. That should do it.
Oi!
Have you reported it?
Not insured.
We could catch 'em.
Why are we here?
Couple of drinks was the idea.
I'm not British.
I don't need to get drunk to have sex.
What, not even the first time?
< MOANING
Who?
It must be Valerie. That dumpster from Accounts.
He's always sharing her Cheesy Quavers.
Stan, eh? Dirty fuck-pig.
Pounding away.
Arse cheeks bouncing.
All that... sex.
Get you kind of hot, couldn't it?
Old Stan in there. If he can do it. What do you say?
I say...
...feel free to crack one off.
Perv.
What you doing?
No more little babas.
Won't be needing these.
Christ's sake, Monica. You're being a bit...
Kids always desert their parents in the end.
All of them.
Like you've deserted yours.
I'm two doors away.
Can you take her away? Reminds me of what I've lost.
Monica, get a grip.
- Oh! - Oh, sorry!
I'm Tom.
Irana. Good friend... Schtan's.
"Schtan".
It's Eastern Europe.
He's bought her.
Mail-order bride. Gold-digger.
Drugs mule.
Trouble. He needs our help.
- You're jumping to conclusions there. - Copper's nose.
I think you've met Tom, Irana.
- Irana? Ruskie? - Ukrainian.
I'll run her through the computer at work. No offence.
No, you won't. She's a friend. Someone I trust.
We're a pretty tight group here. You sure you're up for joining?
Carrie!
Shane, get off. Me dad nicked that.
Bastard!
- What you doing Friday, love? - What?
Do you want to come to a party wi' me?
Do I fuck!
LAUGHS
DOOR SLAMS
I know where you live!
What the fuck?
Prick!
KNOCK AT DOOR
I was a bit heavy-handed there.
Soz.
Yeah, just a tad. >
I'm very protective of my boys.
< Sorry.
Put the kettle on, Stanley.
I'll show Irana where to put the shampoo.
Full name? Quickly.
- Irana Illyanovich Karushka Sawicka. - I'll need a copy of your passport.
- So why didn't you say anything? - Didn't want to jinx it. We get on.
I think this is something...
I can't say. She's lovely.
Yeah, I heard.
There's more to it than... It's not just sex. This is real.
Schtan has paid for my flight.
Nothing else. I'm here for month.
Until visa runs out, then home.
Or sooner.
Neither of us has made any promises. I'm no threat to you.
I know you're not.
"Sooner" sounds good to me.
Consider yourself under surveillance, and say nothing to Stan.
You'll be out of a job?
If we don't get all the crap back, yeah.
Where's this from? Fuck's sake!
- Fucking hell! - Argh!
Mon... give us some advice on a recipe, will you?
Well, I guess it's not my souffle recipe you're after.
Time for me to snap out of it, is it?
They don't need to see you wallowing.
I know your kids.
They're a good bunch.
Despite you.
Don't think of the one you're not having. Think of the ones you've got.
I'm sorry.
I suppose you agree with her.
You can't let yourself sink away again.
- I've got you through this before. - Mmm.
Me escape.
You know I was just using you,
don't you?
No real feeling.
I know you're trying to hurt us.
Congratulations.
You're on your own... again.
DOOR SLAMS
- You only met her five minutes. - You get a feel for people in my job.
I can tell what she's like.
I've said things to her I've never said to anyone else.
It's mad, but I really do feel like I've known her forever.
- Sounds like you've fallen for her big time. - I'm dreading her leaving already.
Ah, well, there's not a moment to lose.
If you think you've found something special, then go for it.
- You think? - Yeah. Go on.
Off you go. Go find her, go tell her.
Erm, 'ey?
Oh, keep the change.
Thank fuck for that.
You've no need to do that.
It's disgusting. I had to.
Thanks.
I... I got you...
- For me? - Yeah.
Thank you, Schtan.
- Oh. - Are you all right?
I have allergy to chocolate.
Oh! Oh, sorry.
It's OK.
There's so much I don't know about you.
It's a little thing.
Not to me. I want to know everything. Been waiting for you me whole life.
Without realising, obviously. You're the perfect fit, what I need.
I found you.
Come on, let me talk to you.
Schtan...
I know...
I know this is a bit quick,
but I can't stand the thought of you going back.
I don't want us to be apart.
Neither do I.
I think you should move in.
Here. With me. Together.
I don't know how to say...
No need for an answer now. But think about it.
Schtan, yes, I will think about it.
SIRENS WAIL
< We're shut! Can't you fucking read?
Don't fuck it up!
I know you're family, Karen, but nothing matters as much to me
as my wife.
Who did it?
Everyone.
It was my fault.
Don't cover for her. That's pathetic.
You two, get it all back.
We've already started.
We acted on us initiative.
Oh, yeah?
Well, why didn't you tell me first?
Karen said not to.
I haven't always done me best.
There's no point saying that I'll change or make it up to you, because
that can't happen.
I was wrong. I am a bad mother.
But... I do really love you.
And you love me. Well, you did when you were babies.
Even you, Liam. It's you I've let down the most.
I wish I could go back, but...
...all I can do
is learn to love you all better.
What's this?
English.
You don't want to do that now. Go on up to bed.
It's due tomorrow.
I'll do it for ya.
See you at ten. Thank you!
Is this a brothel?
Course not. We provide exclusive executive services.
Like what?
Hand shandies, blow jobs, sex.
Why d'you have that?
I thought it'd make a nice visitor's book, but nobody bothers to sign it.
Not with their real names, anyway.
Couldn't get the other end of this, could you, mate?
Lillian's Intimate Massage.
SNORES
- They'll think I'm a learning diffie. - Mum is so challenged.
We know why her lips move when she's reading now.
(Liam) What am I gonna do?
You can't show that.
Dog ate it.
Morning!
I've made you packed lunches.
Thought I'd save a job for you all. Just...
sandwiches, crisps sort of thing.
What's the matter?
- We get free dinners. - Yeah, well, this is extra. Playtime.
I've left school. I work in the Jockey.
If it's still open.
Did you find your homework, Liam? All right, were it?
Yeah. It was, er, great.
- Top of the class, eh, Liam? - Yeah, yeah. Thanks, Mum.
And get back early, cos we're having a barbecue!
PLAYS ROUSING CALL
- How do you know it's her? - Of course it is.
We can't tell him. We can't.
I suppose not.
She's gone.
Yeah. Kitty's gone, too.
Oh.
Why d'you have to do that? You know he's fallen head over for her.
Yeah. Sad.
Paddy's dropped your CD off.
S'great. Ceilidh.
Ceilidh? Diddly-dee?
I want ballroom dancing.
I've been dropping hints about Bruce fucking Forsyth for months.
Lose the hippy shit.
I want the posh stuff.
What's that?
Give us it.
Fucking bastards!
We're closed!
Yeah.
I noticed.
What's it to you, anyway?
Tom Tyldesley.
From the brewery.
Heard you'd got a problem.
How's it going for dates, then?
And who's taking Nana?
Piss off.
How about you, Mickey?
I'm fixed up.
Are you? Fuck!
Me? Again? Fuck!
How's the unquenchable thirst for hot cock?
- It's a girl. - A girl?
I'd warn her before you put it in. Ooh!
Come on, Shane!
There's beer mats in here.
At least we've still got a chance.
Not now, Frank.
The fine people of Chatsworth have appointed me spokesman
on their behalf.
People don't like the way that you're running the Jockey.
It's not just a pub,
a place of ale.
It's a second home to most of us.
First for some.
We need that beer flowing.
Well, you can communicate to the fuckwits of Chatsworth
that unless this public house is full of furniture
and running smoothly by tonight, they're fucking closing me fucking down!
You're shitting me.
I could, um, light the barbie.
Aww, thanks, love!
Oh, there you are.
Now, I know it's meat, but would you mind taking it out for us?
What's that?
We're not speaking.
Why not?
No real feeling.
I mean, saying it, like, like, like we was nothing.
- Don't you want the truth? - Not if it's that.
SHRIEKS
999! Liam's on fire!
(Liam) Mum!
God, another minute...
Who gave him the lighter?
Are y'all right?
Yeah. Have I still got eyebrows?
Just. Your hair's a bit...
(Debbie) What were you doing?!
Well, I thought he was old enough.
It's a responsibility.
He's going through a phase. Fire, danger...
I do know, Debbie. He is my son. There are other ways of dealing with it.
Ooh, come on, get t'gas on.
We'll do meat in t'oven, 'ey?
Flame on, Bro.
I'll do it.
- It's all there. Sorry. - Where have you been?
I ran away.
Was going home.
I didn't want to scare you about moving in an' that.
No, you didn't. I'm liar.
I lie.
I'm married.
I didn't mean to lie.
My husband...
Is complicated.
I would divorce, but my parents would become homeless.
I'm trapped.
But you came back.
I couldn't leave.
You're my real man. I had to tell you the truth and hear
you say you didn't want me.
Say it, Schtan.
What's all this?
Irana's done me the honour of agreeing to move in.
Wow!
Well done, mate.
When was this? Before or after she returned the kitty?
Well, after. Don't be like that.
No, I'm really pleased for you both. Really, I am.
Well, Irana's got to go home to, er, organise her affairs.
But no hurry. You won't have to move out for a couple of weeks.
- What? - What?
It's not gonna work with you two here as well. No, the flat's in my name.
Come on, that's got to be worth a free beverage.
You nicked it in the first place.
- I'll buy you one, Frank. - You're a gentleman, whoever you are.
Very impressive.
- Thank you. - A shithole once more.
Back to normal and running smoothly. Like you said.
Gonna give him a chaser with that?
Oh!
I put an order in.
Well, not fast enough.
Close, but no sodding cigar.
You're shut Monday.
MOANS
Looks like you've got a foot in as the new landlord, Gareth.
I'm impressed. Didn't think you had it in yer.
We haven't. They're closing us down.
Twat from the brewery stitched us right up.
- When? - Out Monday.
If you're looking for a positive spin, at least we can still have the party.
What?
Well, why not? Take your mind off things.
I can't believe you.
We're homeless and all you care about is a poxy party!
You can stop at ours.
Can't persuade Mandy back, but you've always got a home with me.
You're fucking joking. Live with you?
You're a selfish old hag. We're trying to make a go of summat here,
and all you care about is yourself.
Well, fuck you. I won't be at your party.
I'll be packing!
What have I said now?!
We've been here before, Mum.
I agree with her.
Been thinking about other things we could do together.
Trips and that.
Could, er, could go to Blackpool.
YELLING
Or the Lakes.
SPLASH, FOGHORN
The zoo?
(Liam) Cool!
Tea's ready when you are.
Doesn't bear thinking about. I preferred it when she was shit.
- Yeah. - (Debbie) We should just tell her.
"We don't like you.
"Stop trying to be a proper mum, cos you can't be."
She left us, and you're just rubbish.
Oh! Oh! Oh! Aren't you bored of being so hard on her?
Try being nice for a change.
Come in.
Can't yet.
Something to do.
What's this?
Happy Mother's Day.
(Debbie) For all the ones we missed.
Let's start again, eh?
Thanks.
And you don't have to try too hard, you know.
We're just glad you're here.
Home. Like a family again.
We... are so pleased.
You're all, erm,
sending me a message.
I'll back off.
I get it.
It won't take long. Then I'll be free.
I know. I'll miss you, that's all.
You're worried I won't come back.
God, no. I hadn't thought about that.
My mother gave me this before she die.
And she say I should wear forever
so she could watch over most precious thing.
Now I have most precious thing.
No...
- Happy birthday, Mi-mo. - Oh...
Thanks, turtle.
And here's to 40 more together.
DOOR OPENS
Pressie time.
Shut the door. Piss off!
LAUGHS
Stay here.
No goodbyes.
You're a special guy, Stan.
I've got a mate who'll lend us a bed for a week.
I am not staying with anybody whose name is Chopper.
What are you doing? Oh, you said Monday!
Tom's a bit confused. You've been doing everything by the book.
He's losing out. Tell her, Tom.
I'll offer you the same deal I gave Jez.
Which is?
Water the beer down, sell dodgy spirits
and then split the difference.
Don't have to say yes, Karen.
Fuck it. Yeah. I'll do it.
Should've said. Don't know all the scams.
Nice doing business with you.
Thanks.
Sorry I called you selfish.
And an old hag.
Yeah.
Now get your fucking arse into gear!
Anyway, she can't eat them, and I'm watching this.
Thanks, Stan!
Your advice led to it. Ta.
Pleasure, love. I'm sure you'll be very happy together.
Thanks again for these.
Oi!
- Oh, no. - We'll see you in court.
You should've used precautions. It's not my fucking fault! Out! Out!
What's up with them?
I've had a faulty batch of pregnancy testing kits,
all showing up negative.
Them the ones that Meena had?
Meena? What's my Meena doing with fucking pregnancy testing kits?
Negative.
And stop nicking from the shop.
- Well, what's the point in having one? - And don't have sex!
Stan?
She put Irana through the computer.
Why? I said not to.
She's a con artist.
Specialises in coppers. Done five in Greater Manchester.
Something about paying off an ex-husband.
Sorry.
(Carrie) Taken 'em for thousands.
(Tom) Did you give her any money?
No!
Pay him off. Use this.
Think of it as a moving-in present.
Thank you, Schtan.
Course I didn't!
She's not even Ukrainian.
She's Austrian. Lives in Crawley.
But if you didn't give her anything, she'll be back. We can trap her.
So, you up for it, "Schtan"?
Why don't you fuck off?
Jesus!
You do a man a favour...
Why don't we have a quick one, huh?
It's ages before the table.
Just one. I'll have to pace meself.
Just the one. Come on.
Shh! Quiet, they're here!
Shh.
CHEERING
Oh, fucking hell! You bastard!
Did you not guess? I was sure you'd guessed this time.
No! Didn't have a fucking clue.
Party!
MUSIC STARTS
'I understand you wanting to help the kids get a grasp of the Bible.'
< Anyone watching this?
No, not really.
I am pregnant.
I've taken a new test.
- Do you want it? - Yeah. I really do.
(Carl) Great!
A baby. Why not?
I'm fed up of being the youngest, anyway.
And you won't have to bring it up, I promise.
But I will need one little bit of help.
Don't let me screw up this time.
I'll try.
Fuck!
- I asked that bint out. - And I said no.
- What's wrong with me? - Your taste in women, for a start.
Forget that bitch. Come on, let's dance.
Er, I hope you don't mind.
What?
Me brother wanted to come along.
Testing, testing, testing.
We all know why we're here tonight, don't we? Happy birthday!
CHEERING
But...
there's one more little surprise, because tonight...
MUSIC: This Is Your Life theme tune
...Mimi Catherine Rose Joy Murphy Maguire,
this is...
Who's written "Terry Titwank" all over this page?
Who?!
- Paddy, it's all right. Oh, thanks. - It took me ages to do this!
It's all right. Come on, dance.
I owe you everything.
Me life, really.
That's not nothing.
And my heart's kind of full of joy
Because she told me I'm her kind of boy
I'm gonna have a baby.
You've already fucking told me that. It's hardly a surprise, is it?
Are you taking a fucking turn here, or what? Come on.
(Monica) 'By many people's standards, I do count as a terrible mother.
'I'm never gonna win any prizes, anyway.
'Men can leave as many children as they like.
'lf you're an old rocker,
you're virtually expected to leave hundreds of 'em.'
Ceilidh!
MUSIC STARTS
I know she knows. But she doesn't know that I know she knows.
'Nobody forgives a woman.
'Nobody.
'I've got a second chance, and I'm gonna grab it.'
That's right, isn't it, baba?
Mon-Mon's second chance.
Time, gentlemen, please.
Oh, well. In that case, I'll have another one.
Give us the rest of the bell back first.
Me? Why is it always me?
Give it back to us and we'll serve you.
BELL RINGS